There is a battle that I fight with myself every day. It's that part of me, that little voice of depression. It says to me "You should find a way to die" or it says “I Want to die", "Kill Yourself", "Cut Yourself". It’s a very tortuous voice. It’s been haunting me more often these very solitude-filled months. I promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt myself and it’s a battle. It’s a really hard battle.
I don’t really have many friends, and the ones that are my true friends don’t really know much about how suicidal I feel on a day to day basis. I am strong; I know I am, I just wish these thoughts would go away. I spend each day as busy as I could. I do a lot in a day except for physical stuff. I drink a lot of water. If I need to use the bathroom I do it quickly. Anything that involves a physical act I do it pretty quickly. I listen to music every day; already know my TV lineup like when I was a kid. No one really is available to hang out and those who I reach out to don’t give two fucking damns if I am on the verge of suicide or not. I guess, yeah, it’s that negative energy that keeps people away, but what the hell am I really supposed to be happy about? I have no love interest, I really don’t feel satisfied with sex anymore, and I really don’t like to go places alone because doing things alone isn’t all that fun ALL the fucking time. Happiness and enjoyment is best when shared with others. I’ve had ENOUGH of my fucking ME time. I don’t want it all the fucking time; I want it only when I really need it. Right now I find myself waking up to SHIT, just complete SHIT. I don’t wake up to think about someone to say “I Love You” or waiting for me to make their day a bright one, I don’t wake up to a bright mother. I just wake up to another suicidal depressive bitch that all she does best is fucking put people down, I am not close to my sisters to say I can talk to them because they have gone through the shit I’m going through right now and all they can say is to get over it, my father’s a man who knows how to put life in words, but doesn’t know how it is in the female perspective so anything he says is in the male’s point of view. He once told me because I was fat is the reason why I don’t have a boyfriend. That just made me more self conscious, thanks dad.
I once thought I had many friends because of the fact that when I was a kid I only had ONE friend, but now I find that I still only have less than a handful of friends when I found out that the majority of the people I thought were my friends were just a truckload of fake fucks who don’t admit they are full of bullshit when they take my friendship for fucking granted. I never thought I was beautiful, I really never thought I was worth it overall because of the fact I don’t have people in my life who actually care about what’s going on. Instead I find myself caring about others too much in exchange for knowing that I will never mean anything in their own personal life. Thanks, Can I have another?
I’m just really tired of this fucking loneliness. I haven’t felt this way since I was a child in grade school. That’s another point in my life in which I wanted to die but didn’t know how or where I would lead up to or where it would end up. Even now the only reasons I still live is because 1. My mother would be more depressed than she already is and would probably kill herself as well or have a really painful heart attack and I honestly don’t want her to go through that, My dad, who I love forever no matter how much wrong he did to my mother would suffer greatly and I love him too much to want him to go through that. My sisters, as close as they are not with me would also be depressed because, hey, I’m the baby sister. Two of my friends I can think of, Charles and Sunshine would be greatly hurt. I can only think of them two as my real friends who would be affected. Anyone else I know, i'm just another life lost. These are the reasons I live. I don’t live for myself anymore, just for others. If I truly didn’t have anyone in the end, be it my parents died, my sisters died, the only people who I can call true friends decide that they don’t want me in their life anymore, and then I would find a way to cease to be.
My life has become too long, even if I’m a fucking 23 year old; I’ve lived TOO fucking long. When you have no one to be around, not even yourself, not even with your own thoughts… life becomes too long. I wish it were all over already. But I’m still here because I refuse to cease to be until the Lord says it’s my time, I refuse to cease to be because someone installed hope inside my heart and I can’t help but to think there will be a miracle around the corner, just waiting for me, just getting ready to come out and say HERE’S YOUR LIFE! I’m sorry you’ve been suffering this much, but HERE’S HAPPINESS, I’m sorry you’ve been crying too much… BUT HERE’S LOVE.