I Want Something Good To Die For ...

To Make It Beautiful To Live

Everybody Knows
default_libido
It gets harder everyday, but I can't seem to shake the pain.
I'm trying to find the words to say, please stay.
It's written all over my face.
I can't function the same when you're not here.
Calling your name when no one's there.
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy.
I still can't believe you've found somebody new.
But I wish you the best, I guess.

Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows.
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt.
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows just how to make it right.
I wish we gave it one more try.
One more try,
one more try,
one more try,
'Cause everybody knows, nobody really knows.

I don't care what people say, they brought it all in anyway.
Baby don't fill up your head with he-said, she-said.
It seems like you just don't know. (don't know)
The radio's on, you're tuning me out.
I'm trying to speak, you're turning me down.
And I know one day you'll see nobody has it easy.
I still can't believe you've found somebody new.
But I wish you the best, I guess.

Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows.
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt.
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows just how to make it right.
I wish we gave it one more try.
One more try,
one more try,
one more try,
'Cause everybody knows, nobody really knows.

Oh I wish you would understand.
Just an ordinaryman.
I wish that we have known
That everybody knows, that nobody really knows.

And I know one day you'll see nobody has it easy.
I still can't believe you've found somebody new.
But I wish you the best, I guess.

Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows.
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt.
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows just how to make it right.
I wish we gave it one more try.
One more try,
one more try,
one more try.
'Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows.

(no subject)
default_libido
I woke up and went to the bathroom this morning and the thought that instantly came to mind was finding out my purpose in life. I believe that we are all here in this lifetime to learn a lesson of some sort, full fill a goal that, maybe, in a past life, hasn't been able to achieve. Many thoughts come to my mind and I see it everyday with other people; travelling.

I feel so incredibly trapped within this melting pot which we call New York. You may get culture, but in the end, what I really want is the authentic impact of the different cultures that this world holds. "Impossible" is the word I think about when I think of backpacking in Europe or in South America, but it's one of my biggest dreams to do. Something inside of me says that I should be out there, discovering. The opportunities are out there, I just have to find that fucker. .

This may be the reason why I get excited at an airport. It's the portal and the metro of the world.

Balloons
default_libido


As I carried my friend's one year old boy on my shoulders, I reminisced about the time when the floats were so amazing that I didn't think there would be anything more entertaining. As children, the smallest even most insignificant activities kept us occupied, happy and entertained. Now a days we resort to drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography and the list goes on. Not that I'm complaining about any of those, but it sucks to think about how much energy it now takes to keep our attention into focus.

I partially find my entertainment through astrology and today it pinpointed something that has also been bothering me for a while. Self-Worth. How is it measured? How is it defined? I thought I knew, but I'm honestly not sure I have always thought I was worth a lot. People say to me, looks aren't everything. And its true, but I never thought I was even significantly pretty regardless of how many compliments I get per day by people who don't really matter to me. I grew up in an environment full of criticism and as a kid I didn't take that lightly. Even through jokes, which is a family gathering tradition, I just never got why people had to be so mean. Of course by this time around I take criticism constructively and take jokes about my imperfections pretty well. Of course, like everyone, we become our own worst critic no matter how many other critics you got pointing the finger at you.

So yeah, I don't think I'm pretty. And, not to be misunderstood, I don't only mean physical looks. I've done my share of vices but I'm trying really hard to break old habits that feel good but aren't necessarily good for me. I can pinpoint so many reasons why I am the way I am, but I really hate pointing the finger, myself and blame others for my defects.

I'm still young and have a lot ahead of me like I'm often told. And I believe that. If I already feel like I've lived a lifetime, that means I still have time to be happy.

Confidence... what's the technical definition?
default_libido





"You're attractive, you are single, but you have no confidence"

He pinpointed it and he knew it by how I went from smiling with my teeth to slightly smiling with my lips.
Not necessarily a bad thing says the 46 year old who has his flight delayed by two hours.

The truth is, I do have lack of confidence. I try to cover it up with an emotionless face because, honestly, I don't really need strangers knowing that I am actually stressing out about parts in my life.

As I look at myself in the public bathroom mirror, my hair is consciously two colors and a bit disheveled, my eyeliner is put on the same way it has been on since high school, nose piercing and several ear holes. I never thought my looks would spell out "no confidence". I always thought of it as my own form of self expression since I am an artist, mellow, unmoved and unaffected by the strange. Whatever gave the impression of my lack of confidence, well, it was noticeably apparent to him since I never mentioned that I was single.

I should have asked him when his birthday was and then just put him on the spotlight as much as he did. Fortunately, my co-worker minded his own business even though he always has something to say out of his bitter mind.

Either way, it doesn't matter. I never said I wasn't a work in progress. I am "young" so I have "a lot ahead of me". I appreciate honesty, its always welcomed, but this just has me thinking a lot.

I need a book or something about confidence. This is going to be a really long lifetime.

Attempt Number 48525618715926852.2
default_libido
<_ I need this.

So I'm attempting to write a daily journal entry to give me something to do late at night after falling under the influence.

So the only thing I can really talk about is my day, so here goes; MY DAY.

I currently work at a store at the airport which pays close to minimum wage but at least I'm being given hours. Its starting to feel full time even though I have only worked about 25 hours each week. Its just the fact that working at an airport, everything is confined within one terminal that the world seems to only change as much as a shaken snow globe. The manager across from me has developed a crush on me as well as an older Dominican man who always looks at me up and down as he passes by with his trash can on wheels. It creeps me out because I can't help it but to think that he is looking at my crotch since I'm wearing pants that should be banned from ever being worn by women. Khakis, they are hideous. And then there is another older guy, who is a nice man but I'm trying to keep my distance from him. Friendly, but distant.

I've noticed that the majority of the employees are latinos. Older men and women. There are a handful of people as young as I am, but it seems like the boys like chasing the small petite girls, so that ruins my plans for meeting any guys at the airport. There are a select of attractive guys. However, I guess they got their preferences as much as I do. For now I'm stuck with creepy old guys and dorks that don't know how to flirt.

I have a big disgust with retail. I'm not the type that likes to convince people to get what they don't need at a price that has been jacked up. And that whole "welcome to so and so, would you be interested in this and that?". When people shop, all they want is to be left alone with their damn choices and not be looked over by an associate who's looking at the customer like money prey.

In the end, you have to swallow that spike ball to get that paycheck every two weeks.

Not The Best Message
default_libido

                         There is a battle that I fight with myself every day.  It's that part of me, that little voice of                                depression.  It says to me "You should find a way to die" or it says “I Want to die", "Kill                                                Yourself", "Cut Yourself".  It’s a very tortuous voice.  It’s been haunting me more often these very                            solitude-filled months.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt myself and it’s a battle.  It’s a really hard                   battle. 

 I don’t really have many friends, and the ones that are my true friends don’t really know much about how suicidal I feel on a day to day basis.  I am strong; I know I am, I just wish these thoughts would go away.  I spend each day as busy as I could.  I do a lot in a day except for physical stuff.  I drink a lot of water. If I need to use the bathroom I do it quickly.  Anything that involves a physical act I do it pretty quickly.  I listen to music every day; already know my TV lineup like when I was a kid.  No one really is available to hang out and those who I reach out to don’t give two fucking damns if I am on the verge of suicide or not.  I guess, yeah, it’s that negative energy that keeps people away, but what the hell am I really supposed to be happy about?  I have no love interest, I really don’t feel satisfied with sex anymore, and I really don’t like to go places alone because doing things alone isn’t all that fun ALL the fucking time.  Happiness and enjoyment is best when shared with others.  I’ve had ENOUGH of my fucking ME time.  I don’t want it all the fucking time; I want it only when I really need it.  Right now I find myself waking up to SHIT, just complete SHIT.  I don’t wake up to think about someone to say “I Love You” or waiting for me to make their day a bright one, I don’t wake up to a bright mother.  I just wake up to another suicidal depressive bitch that all she does best is fucking put people down, I am not close to my sisters to say I can talk to them because they have gone through the shit I’m going through right now and all they can say is to get over it, my father’s a man who knows how to put life in words, but doesn’t know how it is in the female perspective so anything he says is in the male’s point of view.  He once told me because I was fat is the reason why I don’t have a boyfriend.  That just made me more self conscious, thanks dad. 

  I once thought I had many friends because of the fact that when I was a kid I only had ONE friend, but now I find that I still only have less than a handful of friends when I found out that the majority of the people I thought were my friends were just a truckload of fake fucks who don’t admit they are full of bullshit when they take my friendship for fucking granted.  I never thought I was beautiful, I really never thought I was worth it overall because of the fact I don’t have people in my life who actually care about what’s going on.  Instead I find myself caring about others too much in exchange for knowing that I will never mean anything in their own personal life.  Thanks, Can I have another? 

  I’m just really tired of this fucking loneliness.  I haven’t felt this way since I was a child in grade school.  That’s another point in my life in which I wanted to die but didn’t know how or where I would lead up to or where it would end up.   Even now the only reasons I still live is because 1. My mother would be more depressed than she already is and would probably kill herself as well or have a really painful heart attack and I honestly don’t want her to go through that, My dad, who I love forever no matter how much wrong he did to my mother would suffer greatly and I love him too much to want him to go through that.  My sisters, as close as they are not with me would also be depressed because, hey, I’m the baby sister.  Two of my friends I can think of, Charles and Sunshine would be greatly hurt.  I can only think of them two as my real friends who would be affected.  Anyone else I know, i'm just another life lost. These are the reasons I live.  I don’t live for myself anymore, just for others.  If I truly didn’t have anyone in the end, be it my parents died, my sisters died, the only people who I can call true friends decide that they don’t want me in their life anymore, and then I would find a way to cease to be. 

My life has become too long, even if I’m a fucking 23 year old; I’ve lived TOO fucking long.  When you have no one to be around, not even yourself, not even with your own thoughts… life becomes too long.  I wish it were all over already.  But I’m still here because I refuse to cease to be until the Lord says it’s my time, I refuse to cease to be because someone installed hope inside my heart and I can’t help but to think there will be a miracle around the corner, just waiting for me, just getting ready to come out and say HERE’S YOUR LIFE! I’m sorry you’ve been suffering this much, but HERE’S HAPPINESS, I’m sorry you’ve been crying too much… BUT HERE’S LOVE.

 


When's the End?
default_libido
                           When one has been through so  much hurt and pain, it is hard to find the next best thing.  Or the next best man to be more frank.  My standards has been tied tightly and my radar for douche-bags has heightened.  Some boys still think that flattery and promises without getting to know a woman will guarantee them a date or at least some time in bed.  NO.  I'm going to fuck only when I want to, not when YOU want to.    And NO i'm not gonna give you a chance because you send me sexy photos of yourself.  Fuck you, that's not what i'm looking for.  I can tell eels from sharks to actual MEN in the sea.  

          My horoscope pinpointed something very interesting today and it said:


                " If you tend to be a little anxious about being alone, SAMANTHA, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are dependent on the                         people close to you. But that isn't the only contradictory thing about your behavior. Just like any good Scorpio, you tend to want                     to bring the people around you together, all the while keeping your distance from them. From now on, you should try to be a                           little clearer in your relationships with other people"

                      My point of bringing this up is because, yeah, I feel very alone.  I want the company of others and not because I am dependent of them but because my own mind gets the best of me.  My head starts thinking about Jay, and then my head starts thinking about what I did wrong, my head starts thinking about people I am angry about, my head starts thinking about finances, how i'm going to handle my mother today, will I find a man today, am I losing weight, how am I going to approach the next guy I genuinely like, do I appear to others like I see myself in the mirror or am I really ugly like I always thought I was, will he call me, will he say he loves me, will he one day confess that he was wrong to never give me a chance and then finally give me a chance?  

                       It's so hard to sleep with so many things running through my mind.  Usually the moments when there aren't things are on my mind is when I watch t.v., but I hate watching t.v. all the time.  It's a real brain melter when there's nothing but shows about Celebrities' lives.  And then there's the idea of music, but music reminds me so much of him.  I wish I had a job... jobs is a bitch especially when you don't have the drive to do anything in your life until your soul finally comes back from the dead after being emotionally killed.  BAH.
    

"To All The Boys I've Loved Before"
default_libido
 
 


Part 1

We are not your mothers!
You have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
Yet you come to us wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time Trying to suck a lost sense of self dry
We have become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows
Have become much to accustomed to waiting for our empty beds to be weighed down with the body’s of men, heavy with the scent and the hands of other women and we simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally
Simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not.
Play Hester Prynne
Place scarlet letters on our chest
Become adulteresses, cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
Willing to settle for less
Willing to act like a little less then a goddess
Willing to sleep with the enemy
Men to scared to stop acting like boys, thinking we can love away their scars
So we take the lashes of their insecurities they pour on us
And lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls that we lose by the minute.

Part 2


You said you had a photographic memory.
But apparently you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself and the ones you claim you love
The truth cannot be hidden
What’s clouded in darkness will always come to light my love.
You should have known that,claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn’t me
And I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all
I know that’s some easy shit to say but I’m still gonna try to live by itI’m still gonna try to put my faith to rest in itI will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in.
I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shiny, full of the knowledge
I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty
I will remove this scarlet letter from my chest
And take the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I’m sorry to her
I’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
And I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me


-Mayda Del Valle

On a MUCH Liter Note
default_libido

(no subject)
default_libido
So far, there are two people who make me feel better about myself. That being my friend, Shine who i've known for almost 11 Years now, which is amazing, and another friend of mine who has the sweetest heart ever and we can relate to each other in Astrological senses.


                   I don't know how it is that I came to a point of loving Jayson (the guy I've been loving for almost 4 years now) to almost an obsessive point.  I hate that I feel this way.  Yesterday was a hell for me because my emotions came to a peak.  I felt like I was going insane because everytime I got up to go to the kitchen or the bathroom, my head felt very detached.  It felt like I had a tunnel vision and that my body was moving by itself as if it were on Auto-Pilot.  I am certainly an emotional mess.  Any person would be if they knew that the person they want and love so badly will never give you a chance to prove your love to them.  Even after being so close for so long.  I would say that I hate myself, but to be honest, I don't.  I just hate what I feel, and sometimes when I do become really emotional, it takes over what I say and sometimes I say things that sound threatening and absurd.   

                             Depression is a bitch, and it really is an internal battle with yourself because as you're trying to fight and move your ass up and be motivated, there's always that deamon inside of you pulling you back inside of that indentation of where your depression is sitting waiting to make your world darker.  I honestly thought I was going to write more but now my inspiration is shot.  I wish I had a shot, lol, or just a blunt, that would make my day/night/life for now.  

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